Bob Riter

A few excerpts from When Your Life is Touched by Cancer

 

Newly Diagnosed with Cancer

 

The first few days following a cancer diagnosis are like riding on top of a speeding train. You're hanging on for dear life and can't quite see what's ahead. Although every situation is somewhat different, this is what I generally suggest:

• Focus on one step at a time. If you are having a biopsy next week, focus on that biopsy and do not let your mind wander to what might happen next.
• Take someone with you to medical appointments. They can take notes and help you remember what was said.
• Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to repeat something.
• Family members, friends, and complete strangers will give you advice. Be wary when they say, "You should do…" Though well-intentioned, they do not know what is best for you.
• You control who to tell about your cancer diagnosis and when to tell them.
• Remember that cancer treatments change rapidly. What you hear from people who were treated in the past is out of date.
• Understand that cancer is not a single disease. Lung cancer and breast cancer are very different diseases. There are even multiple types of breast cancer. What you hear about cancer in other people probably does not apply to your cancer.
• Survival statistics are averages. They can be helpful if you want a general idea of the prognosis for people with your disease, but they can't predict what will happen to you as an individual.
• Do not hesitate to get a second opinion if you think it might be helpful. Your doctor won't mind. (If your doctor does mind, you should get another doctor).
• A new cancer diagnosis is rarely a medical emergency. You generally have several days or even weeks to explore your options. (Some situations do require immediate attention – ask your doctor how long it is safe to wait before beginning treatment).
• Do not begin a radical "cancer curing" diet or major lifestyle changes before or during treatment. Just eat sensibly and nutritiously, exercise moderately, and get plenty of rest. You can make whatever lifestyle and diet changes you want after treatment is over.
• Nearly everyone undergoing cancer treatment experiences fatigue. It is probably the most common and least publicized side effect. Conserve your energy for activities that are most important to you.
• Nothing goes in a straight line. You will feel better one day; then you will feel worse; then you will feel better. Do not be discouraged by the down days.

Being diagnosed with cancer is life-changing for many and life-disruptive for nearly everyone. It is difficult at first, but once the decisions are made and treatment begins, most people gradually regain their rhythms. Cancer isn't fun, but treatment often ends up being more manageable than people expect. It's a club that no one wants to join, but trust me, you're in good company.

 

 

 

Don't Give Advice

 

People often call me and say, "My friend was just diagnosed with cancer. What can I do to help her?"

 

My answer is simple: Be present and don't give advice.

 

Being present is a matter of maintaining a connection with that person. This can take the form of visits, calls, cards, prayers and other expressions of support.

 

Providing unsolicited advice is what friends often do, but should avoid. I've written about this in the past, but it's becoming an increasingly significant problem in the Internet age.

 

This advice is now coming in the form of forwarded e-mails and links to websites. They usually provide the "answer" to what caused a person's cancer, emphatic dietary advice, or the latest scientific breakthroughs in treating cancer in mice.

 

Please don't send these.

 

I just talked with a woman who she said that she received this sort of e-mail nearly every day from friends who were trying to be helpful. Rather than being helpful, she found the emails disturbing and unsettling. Each time, she had to step back, take a deep breath, and "center" herself.

 

People who are newly diagnosed with cancer are often emotionally fragile. They're also struggling to piece together large amounts of information. Sending them additional information – even a well-meaning email about a potential cancer breakthrough – is disruptive and generally not welcome.

 

Those of us with cancer want our friends to email and connect in other ways. But please don't give advice or pass along the latest cancer news. Just tell us that you love us and that you're sending good thoughts our way.

 

 

Decision Making with Cancer

 

Everyone diagnosed with cancer has decisions to make. What type of treatment? Where to have treatment? Should the cancer even be treated?

The question isn't what's best. Rather, the question is what's best for you.

 

After working with people making these decisions for the past several years, I've found that some general guidelines can be helpful:

 

Don't make decisions before getting the facts. Individuals often have preconceived ideas about cancer treatment. They might say, "I will never do chemotherapy." There are potential benefits and harms associated with all medicines – including chemotherapy. Be sure that you understand them before you make up your mind.

 

I cringe when people say that they want the most aggressive treatment possible. If given a choice between a small surgery and a big surgery, they will choose the big surgery because it's more aggressive. Again, that's a preconceived notion. The most aggressive treatment is not always the best treatment.

 

Discover the facts that apply to your specific situation and then make decisions based on those facts. When you make decisions before you get the facts, you'll box yourself into a corner, and that corner isn't your friend.

 

Listen to your gut. Once you have the information you need to make a decision, listen to what your gut is telling you. I often ask people which decision lets them sleep better at night. That's telling you something.

 

Don't look back. Treatment decisions have to be made with the information that you have at a particular point in time, and always involve some degree of uncertainty. Once the decision is made, move forward and don't ask yourself "what if…?"

 

Have trust. At some point, you just need to relax and trust the health professionals involved in your care. You're on the same team.

 

 

No Right Way Through Cancer

 

I often say that there's no single right way through cancer. What do I mean by that?

Some people aggressively treat their cancers with surgery and chemotherapy long past the time that others would have switched to comfort measures.

 

Some people keep their cancer diagnosis a secret from nearly everyone while others make it a point to tell strangers on the street.

 

Some people join support groups while others cringe at the thought of the idea.

 

Some people, when finished with treatment, try hard to not think about cancer ever again, while others become engaged in cancer organizations and activism.

 

Some people want to hear only positive stories about cancer, while others want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

No single approach to cancer is right or wrong. What's important is that you follow the approach that helps you.

 

This is why I don't like most books written about cancer. They tell you what you should do as if everyone is the same. They're written like cookbooks providing recipes.

 

We're all different with varying personalities, living situations, and belief systems. In addition, our cancers are all different. Your breast cancer is unlikely to be exactly like my breast cancer.

 

And remember that you can and will change your mind over time. A support group might not work for you when you're first diagnosed, but be open to the possibility when your treatment is ending.

 

Finally, no one really knows when they will choose to stop active treatment until they're in that exact situation. I can speculate what I would do, but I don't know for sure. Neither do you.

 

As for the rest of us, we can support each person with cancer by listening with kindness and without judgement.